BEAUTY AND THE BEAST: A HORNY LOVE STORY
Charing Cross Theatre
★★★★
“it’s a joy to watch the exuberant camaraderie spread among the cast”
When Gabrielle-Suzanne Barbot de Villeneuve’s “La Belle et la Bête” was first published in the early eighteenth century, it rapidly entered into folklore, spreading beyond its native France to Italy, Spain, Portugal, Belgium, Eastern Europe, Scandinavia, Southern and Eastern Asia and North and South America. You could say worldwide, I guess. Along the way it adopted many different titles, but we all know it by its literal translation, “Beauty and the Beast”. Why am I telling you this? You already know. Embedded in childhood and then reinforced in adulthood through stage and screen, the story is like a comfort blanket for us; a seasonal favourite – instantly familiar.
Familiar, that is, until writers Jon Bradfield and Martin Hooper get their filthy little fingers on it. The story’s path does kind of lead you from start to finish, but its twisting, staggering, drunken meanderings will trip you up from the outset. ‘Losing the plot’ is an apt phrase here. It’s best just to follow blindly and go with the flow. Though you’re still likely to lose your footing, for you’ll be creasing up with laughter. You simply won’t have time, nor the inclination, to scrutinise the storyline.
We are in the Scottish hamlet of Lickmanochers (neighbouring village, Suckmacoch, is just across the valley). The eponymous ‘Beauty’ is now Bertie, who helps run the town’s only petrol station/general store along with his sister and overbearing mother. They each seem to be looking for love, or rather just the raunchy side effects. This is “Beauty and the Beast: A Horny Love Story” after all. Some may argue it’s nonsense, but that just shows a lack of imagination. It goes without saying, surely, that our protagonists will end up on a North Sea oil rig staffed by pop band Village People’s failed auditionees. Via the beast’s castle of course. The beast is called Charlie (a pretty sexy beast, mind, if you happen to go for the hirsute look). Bertie’s sister, Bonnie, hits it off with good fairy, Juno, but by now Bertie is too busy rescuing his mum, Flora, from the beast’s castle to notice. Charlie’s brother, the villainous Cornelius, is responsible for his beastly curse. True love will put it all to rights, with the help of magic plums, origami table decorations that are actually legal documents pertinent to the plot, adult jokes-a-plenty, some cracking songs and dollops of cream pies flung into the audience.
It’s all over the top, but the cast perform with a restraint that allows the clever witticisms to land perfectly alongside the obvious jokes. The songs are sassy – hilariously warped Disney pastiches – while the dialogue is strewn with filmic and theatre references, many of which may be missed; but don’t worry – there’s plenty to go round. And it’s a joy to watch the exuberant camaraderie spread among the cast. Matt Kennedy plays Bertie with a wide-eyed innocence – like a children’s television presenter who lets his scandalous side slip once the cameras stop rolling. Laura Anna-Mead, as his sapphic sister, is a cheeky wee lass that Dani Mirels’ Juno understandably finds irresistible. Chris Lane is all moustachioed villainy as the baddie Cornelius and Keanu Adolphus Johnson’s beast is an unexpected heartthrob. Many in the audience might wonder why Bertie would want to reverse the curse on this dashing castle-dweller. At the heart of the show is Matthew Baldwin as Flora. The epitome of the ‘dame’, Baldwin is ‘extraordinaire’; holding the audience in the palm of his hands with a seasoned ease, while sporting some delightfully outlandish costumes (designer Robert Draper provides the sartorial icing on the cake).
Billed as a queer pantomime, it out spins its classification. The irreverence and humour is obviously targeted, but the unashamedly adult humour is universal. The theatre company, ‘He’s Behind You’, are behind this show and it has the balance spot on. Anybody can in indulge in the mischievous magic. Well – almost anybody. This ‘horny love story’ is not what you’d call a family show. But it welcomes you into its own naughty little ménage. Gorgeously gay – whatever dictionary you’re using to define the word.
BEAUTY AND THE BEAST: A HORNY LOVE STORY
Charing Cross Theatre
Reviewed on 4th December 2025
by Jonathan Evans
Photography by Steve Gregson
Most recent shows reviewed at this venue:
GET DOWN TONIGHT | ★★ | September 2025
THE DAUGHTER OF TIME | ★★★ | July 2025
BEAUTIFUL WORLD CABARETS – ALFIE FRIEDMAN | ★★★★ | July 2025
STILETTO | ★★★★ | March 2025
JACK AND THE BEANSTALK: WHAT A WHOPPER! | ★★★ | November 2024
TATTOOER | ★★★ | October 2024
