BEAUTY AND THE BEAST: A HORNY LOVE STORY

Charing Cross Theatre

★★★★

“it’s a joy to watch the exuberant camaraderie spread among the cast”

When Gabrielle-Suzanne Barbot de Villeneuve’s “La Belle et la Bête” was first published in the early eighteenth century, it rapidly entered into folklore, spreading beyond its native France to Italy, Spain, Portugal, Belgium, Eastern Europe, Scandinavia, Southern and Eastern Asia and North and South America. You could say worldwide, I guess. Along the way it adopted many different titles, but we all know it by its literal translation, “Beauty and the Beast”. Why am I telling you this? You already know. Embedded in childhood and then reinforced in adulthood through stage and screen, the story is like a comfort blanket for us; a seasonal favourite – instantly familiar.

Familiar, that is, until writers Jon Bradfield and Martin Hooper get their filthy little fingers on it. The story’s path does kind of lead you from start to finish, but its twisting, staggering, drunken meanderings will trip you up from the outset. ‘Losing the plot’ is an apt phrase here. It’s best just to follow blindly and go with the flow. Though you’re still likely to lose your footing, for you’ll be creasing up with laughter. You simply won’t have time, nor the inclination, to scrutinise the storyline.

We are in the Scottish hamlet of Lickmanochers (neighbouring village, Suckmacoch, is just across the valley). The eponymous ‘Beauty’ is now Bertie, who helps run the town’s only petrol station/general store along with his sister and overbearing mother. They each seem to be looking for love, or rather just the raunchy side effects. This is “Beauty and the Beast: A Horny Love Story” after all. Some may argue it’s nonsense, but that just shows a lack of imagination. It goes without saying, surely, that our protagonists will end up on a North Sea oil rig staffed by pop band Village People’s failed auditionees. Via the beast’s castle of course. The beast is called Charlie (a pretty sexy beast, mind, if you happen to go for the hirsute look). Bertie’s sister, Bonnie, hits it off with good fairy, Juno, but by now Bertie is too busy rescuing his mum, Flora, from the beast’s castle to notice. Charlie’s brother, the villainous Cornelius, is responsible for his beastly curse. True love will put it all to rights, with the help of magic plums, origami table decorations that are actually legal documents pertinent to the plot, adult jokes-a-plenty, some cracking songs and dollops of cream pies flung into the audience.

It’s all over the top, but the cast perform with a restraint that allows the clever witticisms to land perfectly alongside the obvious jokes. The songs are sassy – hilariously warped Disney pastiches – while the dialogue is strewn with filmic and theatre references, many of which may be missed; but don’t worry – there’s plenty to go round. And it’s a joy to watch the exuberant camaraderie spread among the cast. Matt Kennedy plays Bertie with a wide-eyed innocence – like a children’s television presenter who lets his scandalous side slip once the cameras stop rolling. Laura Anna-Mead, as his sapphic sister, is a cheeky wee lass that Dani Mirels’ Juno understandably finds irresistible. Chris Lane is all moustachioed villainy as the baddie Cornelius and Keanu Adolphus Johnson’s beast is an unexpected heartthrob. Many in the audience might wonder why Bertie would want to reverse the curse on this dashing castle-dweller. At the heart of the show is Matthew Baldwin as Flora. The epitome of the ‘dame’, Baldwin is ‘extraordinaire’; holding the audience in the palm of his hands with a seasoned ease, while sporting some delightfully outlandish costumes (designer Robert Draper provides the sartorial icing on the cake).

Billed as a queer pantomime, it out spins its classification. The irreverence and humour is obviously targeted, but the unashamedly adult humour is universal. The theatre company, ‘He’s Behind You’, are behind this show and it has the balance spot on. Anybody can in indulge in the mischievous magic. Well – almost anybody. This ‘horny love story’ is not what you’d call a family show. But it welcomes you into its own naughty little ménage. Gorgeously gay – whatever dictionary you’re using to define the word.

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST: A HORNY LOVE STORY

Charing Cross Theatre

Reviewed on 4th December 2025

by Jonathan Evans

Photography by Steve Gregson

Most recent shows reviewed at this venue:

GET DOWN TONIGHT | ★★ | September 2025

THE DAUGHTER OF TIME | ★★★ | July 2025

BEAUTIFUL WORLD CABARETS – ALFIE FRIEDMAN | ★★★★ | July 2025

STILETTO | ★★★★ | March 2025

JACK AND THE BEANSTALK: WHAT A WHOPPER! | ★★★ | November 2024

TATTOOER | ★★★ | October 2024

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST

★★★★★

“This sumptuous fusion of storytelling, theatre, music and feasting is second to none”

Charles Dickens was thirty-one when he sat down to write, in haste, the novella that would change, not just Christmas, but the whole world forever. “My purpose” he cited “is, in my small way, to awaken some loving and forbearing spirit in the world”. On a more practical level, it was a bid to stave off poverty and the threat of debtor’s prison. Dickens and his family were on the edge of financial ruin. Not wanting to follow in his father’s footsteps, he sunk everything he had left into “A Christmas Carol”. This, and other accounts of Dickens’ restless and itinerant upbringing, are exhibited in the corridors as we enter the immersive, festive extravaganza that is “The Great Christmas Feast”.

It might be an oversimplified and melodramatic view of the historical fact, and indeed, The Lost Estate’s presentation adds a misty-eyed opulence and luxuriance that contradicts it. But, imagine that it is Christmas Eve, 1843, and you are an honoured guest in Charles Dickens’ parlour. You have been invited to hear him share his brand new ghostly festive story. Well, you don’t need to imagine. This world has been conjured up with enthralling, magical and thrilling theatrical effect behind an inconspicuous doorway in West Kensington. It might look like a doorway – but it is more like a portal. And the writer’s parlour is more like a Victorian Speakeasy before Speakeasies were even invented. Amid the decks of holly, the lanterns, the draped velvet and beautifully laid tables, we can also wander around and take in the more ramshackle settings of Dickens’ study, bedroom and drawing rooms before being shown our seats in the dining room. Surrounded by piles of books, oil lamps and decorations the feast begins – a sumptuous three-course Victorian Christmas menu, accompanied by an unstoppable flow of cocktails.

Unstoppable maybe, but not uninterrupted. Our host emerges onto the scene. David Alwyn is an enthralling Charles Dickens. Or rather Charlie, he implores. Alwyn also plays (except for a couple of cameos pulled from the audience) every character from the story. As he recites the fresh-off-the-press novel, he enters it, shifting between the parts with lightning speed and skill in a tour-de-force performance that soon makes us forget that this is a one man show. He is endearingly affable but teasingly risqué and irreverent as Dickens, before twisting himself into a crooked Scrooge. Defiantly jovial as Fred or Bob Cratchit one minute, he is then chillingly haunting as the spirits. And completely believable as everybody else. Already a master storyteller, Alwyn’s performance is held aloft by the setting and lighting and design. ‘Darling & Edge’ (of Gingerline and Secret Cinema fame) are responsible for creating the meticulously designed world with staggering attention to detail. Under Simon Pittman’s outstandingly slick direction, Alwyn interacts with the diners, flitting around the space, filling every inch with his charisma. Written and adapted by Adam Clifford, the narrative mixes plenty of modernisms into the text – which blend in just as deliciously as the ingredients of chef Ashley Clarke’s seasonal dishes.

But let’s not forget the live music accompaniment. Steffan Rees’ sublime score binds everything together, performed by Guy Button on violin, Beth Higham-Edwards on percussion and Charlotte Kaslin on cello. The music is the heartbeat that both drives the show and is led by it. Creating and reflecting the emotions and the themes, the words and music are a delicate duet, rising and falling in their interlocked crescendos and diminuendos.

Everything about this production is atmospheric. It is meticulous and mystical. Soul-stirring one minute and funny the next. It may be a rather long evening for some, but that’s what it’s all about. You get a three-course feast, and a show divided up between the courses, in a venue that would make many of London’s so-called exclusive eateries feel shoddy. From the outset, David Alwyn’s Dickens appears absolutely and ridiculously pleased to see us. From then on, we are as equally pleased to be there. This sumptuous fusion of storytelling, theatre, music and feasting is second to none. “The Great Christmas Feast” is the place to go to find the spirit of Christmas. It has been in the past, it is in the present and I’m sure it will be for many, many Christmases yet to come.

Tag Archives: Jonathan Evans

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST: A HORNY LOVE STORY

★★★★

Charing Cross Theatre

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST: A HORNY LOVE STORY

Charing Cross Theatre

★★★★

“it’s a joy to watch the exuberant camaraderie spread among the cast”